United with Dan on a Mission

6.4

Week 4 Sean (pronounced Shawn)

Everyone is talking about experiencing the presence of God. Almost everyone is experiencing manifestations and it’s the 4^th week and I don’t actually feel any different. I spent a lot of time this past 2 weeks praying and fasting and was running out of motivation and tolerance. I was quickly getting overtired and found I had to put a heavy guard on my lips as not to snap at anyone. Sean was the speaker this week and he introduced a number of new ways (at least for me) to connect with God. While it was interesting theology, it remained theology.

On Thursday 11^th October, Sean was teaching again and came to the topic of “barriers that prevent the experience of God.” It gave me shivers as almost every point mentioned seemed like a major obstacle to overcome. Many of them, not even necessarily being things that I want to change… One of these was “independence.” So I began soul-searching as to why independence is so important to me. It didn’t take long to realise that it’s a way of survival. Being easily dependent on others leads to disappointment and calamity when those you depend on can’t be trusted. I also realised that I take great pride in being independent. I was stuck facing a sheer cliff with no way over – this independence is not something I want to give up, nor the pride related to being independent! Besides, I have needed and need to be independent as far as stuff like motivation and support is concerned. I can’t rely on the motivation and support of others, as most of the time they just don’t provide any. The pride aspect is largely ingrained into that motivation – the fact that I can feel proud about what I’ve done after I’ve done it. Otherwise why else does anyone do anything? What else dictates one’s choices? Why does anyone bother doing something that they won’t be proud of? And having pride in my independence means, that when others reject, judge and point fingers at me, it’s like water off a duck’s back. Their statements can’t pierce my pride-shield; they can’t affect my self-image, or damage my confidence.

But the cliff remained. So I entered prayer and asked God for guidance and He answered immediately saying: “There is a difference between being independent of man and being independent of me.” As the sun broke through the clouds of my mind, I realised that this may not be such a daunting task as I first thought, but then the next thought came… But God can’t motivate me like people can; He doesn’t tell me audibly “well done” or motivate me when I’m down. Yes, one can argue that He has put some people around me who can do that, but… in the midst of it, that doesn’t matter. It’s the physical audibility that I need. I then, after some more prayer, felt like God suggested that I look to His promises and hold onto them as a source of motivation. But then again, I want to question: “Do these promises really apply to me?” I really struggle to believe and trust the stuff. So I thought the best way for me to validate and trust in the promises, is to read promises and look back over my life to see where these promises have been fulfilled. It’s a daunting task that I am struggling with as many of the promises have ‘pre-requisites’ and I’m not sure how well I match these pre-requisites. But yes, that’s that, so there are many more areas that will surely come into the light and be wrestled with. At least now I have a plan / goal or to do list to follow. Some sort of direction.

And then Thursday evening session came. We started off with praise and worship before one of my peers had a ‘manifestation’ of the spirit. We all gathered around her and prayed for her. It jumped from her to some of the others and they too were on the ground. After a while Sean took myself and Anton aside to pray for our ‘orphaned’ spirits. He led us through prayer, declaring God as our Father and us His sons. For me specifically, we broke chains of isolation and rejection that were making it difficult to ‘experience’ the love of the Father. It was quite the wrestle on my part to abandon them, but I managed. However despite the progress I still felt like there was more that needed to be dealt with. After discussing it intently for a short while, I realised what it was. Sean told me to picture a door within me leading to my ‘spirit’, that is where my ‘connection’ to God is. But I found myself in a maze, in place of walls was nothing besides a black void into nothingness. This maze had hundreds of doors, I had no idea which was the right one that I was looking for. Every door was a trap, and parts of the maze was over grown with weeds and thorns making it impossible to go there. The maze, ‘fake doors,’ traps, and overgrown thorns were resemblance of confusion, critical thinking, scepticism, distractions and more, affecting my relationship with God. After praying against confusion along with 3 staff members, the fake doors crumbled and fell away, the thorns withered and died, and from the shade at my right hand, Jesus lead me to the right door. It was obvious when I saw it: a white platinum door, with gold-finishing and engravings. I stood looking at the door, marvelling at it but was too nervous to enter in. After more prayer and motivation from those around me I managed to build up the courage to open it. As I opened the door, before I could do or think anything, I was handed out of nowhere a drawing, like those a kindergartener might draw of them and their family. In it was myself, Nathan and Benjamin and my Mother, and behind, and over and around us was a dome of light, in which was written, God the Father. As everything came together in that instant, I fell to my knees and worshiped. When I looked up again I saw a child version of myself sitting on God’s knee and he looked at me, and almost like Santa or something asked, “What is it that you want from me.” I was too overwhelmed to answer sensibly, and mumbled / sobbed something, “EVERYTHING!!”

Since then I have been struggling with the door. I’ve been back to it a few times, but in light of all the good that has been happening, it seems surreal, like I would be expecting too much for this to go well too. Besides, I had absolutely no idea what would be behind the door, and I was scared to go and open the door and not find Him. With my prior opening of the door, I hadn’t even progressed to entering or looking inside. The fact that a disappointment now would really bash my confidence in the progress that had been made, just added to my fears. Finally I spoke out about it and with the prayer and support of others I braced the butterfly ball of feelings inside me as I faced the door. This time though, with more courage than before, I actually proceeded to open it. Disappointment? A little, as behind the door was just a room of white light, filling everything. I couldn’t see any walls on the inside, just this huge space willed with a blinding white light. So I’ve broken through the stage of opening the door, but am stuck with not knowing what to do next, as I have no certainty on the matter that if I go in there, that I will find God or Jesus. But I have almost certain certainty that I will most probably get lost and not be able to find the way back, which is scary. It’s something that I’ve really thought about. I even went back to my door (about 50-60 strides away) to look for a weight or rope or something that I can use to get back out if I wanted to, as not to lose the way. But have not found such a thing and just remain intimidated by the vastness of that room…

Now during the week Sean compared increased intimacy with God to the styling of a room. As we progress in our relationship with God, He comes to ‘visit’ us (inside). And while He comes, He might point out things in our ‘house / room’ that needs to be changed, or something that He wants to work on, for example, throwing out the barb-wire of too much independence from God, to bring in the leather couch of dependence in God. And over time, God will visit more and more often, as it becomes more comfortable for Him and the host hosting Him. He will revolutionise your ‘house / room’ and help you become the real you, the one He made you to be, and as this happens your body becomes more and more acceptable as a temple for Him to dwell in. Eventually He will stop just visiting and actually move in, if you allow Him.

With a lot of prayer since then, I’ve come to a few conclusions as what to do next with the door. One may be to just sit and wait for Him to come out of the place and to my room, or I could take pieces of furniture from my room and exchange it with the light, in the hope of getting ‘better’ furniture in the same way I received the kindergarten drawing. Or I could just steel myself to enter that room on my own, and somehow find the courage to trust, and leave it completely up to God. However I expect that I may dwell around in whiteness for a long time before I find something… that’s if I find something. Another solution may be to wait at the door for Jesus to come and lead me in… I just don’t know what’s going to happen at this point, but plan to keep working at it. I just hope that this all makes sense and doesn’t seem like a story of a mad man… hahaha

Thank you for reading and for your support!

God Bless!